Outside the Box
by Senorita Sassybuns
Summary: Mary Sues, time travels, read the books, sould bonds, the same thing all the time. You are tired of looking for a reason to not nuke your James/Lily ship and try something criminal like Snape/anybody. Look no further and click on the link!
1. Refuting Science

**AN: I am totally making this up as I go along, so let me know if this starts to not make sense. **

James walked briskly into the Gryffindor common room. He had a muggle medical journal that he yoinked from a seventh year Ravenclaw. He wasn't sure why, he just did. James figured that it was him being his impulsive self. He was about to toss it in the fire so that he could get the quaffle flying with his James-invited-only s'mores party, but held back when he saw something red.

As he sank into a squishy chair, squishing his marshmallows in the process, completely entranced with an article in the journal. Nothing could divert James from this article. Not even Peter stealing his chocolate bars.

When he was done reading, it was as though there was a lightning bolt shaped mark stamped into his forehead. Of course, such occurrences are impossible. There was no way in the fabrics of reality that people can have markings shaped like weather patterns. Nonetheless, James felt enlightened, empowered, and must share his newfound knowledge with the world...or his girlfriend.

Lily Evens sat in the library, in her usual spot by the restricted section, naturally. She was looking at book titles in between writing her potions, charms, and Ancient Runes essays simultaneously. She was determined to camp out next to the restricted section all night every night to crack down on the hooligan that had been sneaking into the restricted section and replacing books in the general section with books from the restricted section. If she, as head girl, did not crack down on this perpetrator, the school would be up to their knickers in dark magic users.

"Lily!" an all too familiar voice rang out. Lily looked up from her multitasking to see James running at her.

"Not now, James," Lily said. "I am trying not going to give into your distractions as Sirius breaks into the restricted section and swaps books. No matter how heated it gets."

James froze, "Lily, what are you talking about? Is that a tent?"

Lily looked over her shoulder at her makeshift shelter, complete with a coffee thermos and sleeping bag. "Yes. I am determined to crack down on you and your maraudering ways."

"Uh, I have nothing to do with this. In fact, the whole book swapping thing hasn't happened since we started dating," James paused. "Strange. It's like the two were related."

"They're not!" Lily cried indignantly, "what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I wanted to tell you that science is wrong."

"What?"

"Science, Lils, it is wrong," James nodded firmly as though the more he said it, the more he was determined to paint the town red with it. However, this left out the fact that Lily was more lost than a kangaroo at the North Pole.

"How is science wrong?"

"You are not an obsolete being."

"What made you think this?"

"Science said that the gingers are dying and people are hating gingers because nature has decided that they are obsolete in the gene pool. Well, I just want you to know that science is wrong," James took a steady breath and continued in a slightly choked up breath. "Just because you have a freak of nature hair color and porcelain skin color, doesn't mean I think you are not a beautiful, sexy, independent woman, casting landmarks wherever you walk!"

Lily opened her mouth and closed it at a loss of words. That was a compliment, right? _Just smile and nod Lily, smile and nod._

Lily smiled and nodded like she knew exactly what James was going on about. She needed to act fast before the awkward fog settled in the library. "You wanna make out?"

"Hell yes! I should read med journals more often," James said, pulling Lily into her makeshift tent.

**AN: there is chapter one for you all! I've decided that this story will be snippets from James and Lily's relationship. You know the one thing I love more than favorites and subscriptions are reviews so tell me what you think! I am open to chapter ideas. I don't own anything. **


	2. Paint Your Wagon

**Ch.2**

**AN: chapter two! If you haven't read chapter one yet then you're slacking! Ahaha! Shoutout to "in wreck need a check" for being the lone reviewer as of this publication. Enjoy!**

James jumped from doorknob to doorknob, slathering gooey, sticky honey all over them. It was his latest prank idea for all the teachers (and students for that matter). As always, Sirius was at his shoulder keeping a lookout by using the Marauders Map, Peter was holding the jar of honey, and Remus was keeping Lily occupied with something called "The Scarlet Letter." James figured it was something he read in a charms book because there was no such thinga a scarlet letter unless you paint it red.

"Gonna paint a wagon, gonna paint it good," James sung as he moved from door to door. "Gonna paint with honey, my gift to the whole school!"

"Prongs, you may be a lot of things, but the next singing sensation isn't one of them," Sirius said loudly because he had his hands clamped firmly over his ears.

"Posh!" James replied lightly before continuing to sing, but with a different tune, "tripping, and dying, and joking and pranking, and snogging Lily Evans, these are a few of my favorite things!"

"Is that even a real song? It sounds off," Peter piped up.

"Of course it's a real song! I heard Lily singing something similar to it and just added my own lyrics."

Peter and Sirius exchanged a look but didn't comment. They just continued down the hall, slathering doorknobs. By the time they had finished, James had managed to sing his way through the entirety "My Fair Lady" using his own lyrics. Sirius and Peter had since charmed themselves using the _mufliato_ charm they stole off of Severus Snape.

"Job well done team!" James yawned as he pulled his pajamas over hid head and climbed into bed. "Tomorrow, we shall laugh at all the kids that are stuck to the doorknobs."

"James, they will just have sticky hands," Remus corrected.

"That's what you think, Moony," Sirius said, half conscious. "You see, we charmed the honey so that when you grabbed the door, the honey will fasten your hand to the door."

"What?"

"You heard him," James said softly as his thoughts drifted off into the future as he and Lily died protecting their son from Voldemort. He smiled in his sleep, life is good.

Meanwhile, Lily tugged and pulled at her hand that was currently fastened to the doorknob of the head's private bathroom. She was enjoying a soothing bubble bath after having a heated debate about whether Hester Prynne or Arthur Dimmesdale suffered more in the repercussions of their acts of adultery. She had just stepped into her warm, fragrant bath when she realized she dropped her knickers outside.

Quickly jumping out of the tub, Lily threw a towel around her body and ran outside to grab them. Sure enough, the cherry pie printed undergarment was a little ways outside the door and she ran to snatch them up. When she grabbed the knob of the door to dash back into the bathroom without being detected, she found her had stuck to the knob.

"JAMES POTTER!" Lily cried. He had to be the culprit of this. _At least I have underwear on_ Lily thought optimistically. She sank to the floor. She would open the door and summon her wand, but Peeves kept passing by, waiting for the opportunity to make her towel fall and Lily was forced to keep a her only cover firmly grasped in her hand.

Lily looked around. Knowing James, he would come around to see who his trapped worked on and then she will let him have it.

For some reason, a smile spread across Lily's face. The thought of letting James have it gave way to a new idea: beating that boyfriend of hers at his own game. All she had to do was get him to feel so awful about painting the doorknobs with glue that he will never think of pranking anyone ever again.

So Lily, being able to reach her copy of "The Scarlet Letter," and a muggle pen that she used to mark her place with her foot, sat down and constructed a letter.

**AN: cliffhanger! Please review. The next chapter will be up shortly. Like within the next couple of hours...maybe**


	3. In Cold Blood

Ch. 3

Alice paced nervously in the common room. Her eyes kept darting toward the boys dorm. Normally, she would wait for Frank since mealtimes were the only chances they got to spend together, not counting homework. However, today she was waiting for someone else. She was waiting for the infamous James Potter.

She had recently seen her best friend, Lily, who was in an unfortunate circumstance no thanks to Potter. During the night, she had gotten a message from the ginger in distress and rushed right to her side. Although Alice would have been fully capable of unsticking Lily, she told her not to. Then, she told Alice her plan to get back at James. Alice's only hope was that she was a good enough actress to fool the king of pranks.

James rolled out of bed and onto his yoga mat for his morning stretches. He read in the latest issue of the medical journal he steals from the Ravenclaw that yoga in the morning is a great way to stay on shape and James needed to be in the best shape possible if he wanted to be crowned this year's 'sexiest prankster' award by the Mischief Monthly magazine he subscribed to. James found some of the prank ideas to be amateur. He only read it for the recipes...not that James cooked.

When James had finished his stretches he showered and dressed for class. He noticed that Sirius had yet to get up, Remus was in the shower, and Peter was probably down at breakfast.

In James' mind, breakfast means two things: food and Lily. More importantly, Lily eating food. He was always the way Lily would flip the eating utensil upside down before pulling it out of her mouth. Although, sometimes, when she caught him watching, she would pull the spoon or fork out slowly, seductively and James, losing his cool, would knock over his goblet of pumpkin juice into his lap. Then, as if seeing his cue, some first year Slytherin would walk by, taunting him by saying, "you wet yourself, you wet yourself!"

James shuddered at the echoing sound of the taunting Slytherin, but was quick to brush it off, remembering the self empowering, anti-bullying mind exercises he read in the medical journal he steals from the Ravenclaw two months ago.

As James strolled down into the common room, he was ambushed by Alice.

"You were with Lily last night, right?" she asked, her face was slightly pale and her eyes wide with fear.

"I was, but Remus was the last to see her, I believe," James paused. "Well, other than you since you see her before she goes to sleep."

"That's just it!" Alice cried, bursting into tears, a little dramatic in James' opinion, but it still caused a knot to form in his stomach.

"What do you mean?"

"Lily! She didn't come back last night. I woke up sometime around midnight and saw her bed was empty, but thought nothing of. I mean, I thought she was with you. She has been a little more rebellious since you two started dating," Alice sniffed.

"She has?"

"Well, I mean, she switched books in the restricted section for ones in the general reading section in the library for no apparent reason," Alice continued. "Anyways, when I woke up and her bed was still empty! I was about to think that she was down at breakfast when my owl, Haiyu, gave me this."

James, now with his stomach doing pirouettes, and his blood cold as Winnepeg in the winter, took the note that Alice's shaking hand was holding out to him. It looked to have been hastily scrawled onto a page ripped out of some book. It read: _Alice, help, Lily. _

That was the last straw for James. He frantically dashed up the stairs to the boys dorm and threw himself at his trunk, flinging it open. Throwing his contents left and right all over the dormitory.

"What are you looking for?" Sirius muffled from his bed.

"The map!" James shouted, while launching his beloved broomstick across the room.

"Calm down, Prongsie," Sirius sat up. "It's right here."

James snatched the map up and quickly opened it, pouring over it's content. IT was then when Remus decided to enter the room.

"What was that noise?" Remus asked, coming out from the bathroom. He was promptly pushed against the wall by a livid James.

"Where did Lily go?"

"What?"

"Where. Did. Lily. GO!"

"I haven't seen her James! Calm down," Remus grunted.

"Last night! She was with you, where did she go!"

"She said something about taking a bath, why?"

James flung himself back at the map, pouring over its contents as though his life depended on it.

"Whathappened?" Remus inquired, fixing his robes.

"Lily didn't come back last night from the bathroom, apparently," James muttered. His eyes passed over hundreds of students who were obviously stuck to doorknobs. Then, he saw her. She was just at head's bathroom, but she wasn't moving, especially since she'd been there all night...

"Oh no! SHE DROWNED!_" _James wailed as he launched himself out of the dorm. Remus, Sirius, and Alice were right behind him.

James was seen by the school as a lunatic as he raced through the school shouting Lily's name at the top of his lungs.

James rounded the corner and raced down the hall that lead to the head's bathroom. As he drew closer, he saw Lily, in a towel, leaning against her arm. James followed Lily's arm to see her hand fastened to the doorknob. He screeched to a halt and kneeled at his girlfriend's curled up body. She looked like she was sleeping, but her usual unusually white skin had a grayish hue to it.

"LILY!" James bawled_. "_I killed you through my ruthless, selfish desire to get some attention."

James unstuck Lily's hand from the doorknob and cradled her body, still in sobs.

"Uh, James?" Sirius said,

"NOT NOW PADFOOT!" James roared and continued his wallowing. Sirius closed his mouth. He figured that his friend would eventually notice the smile on Lily's face and the fact she was trying really hard not to laugh.

"Why is she gray?" Remus muttered.

"You trying being there all night. It gets cold," Alice replied. Remus and Sirius looked at her and realized the whole scene was a hoax.

Meanwhile, James was still crying over Lily, "I killed you Lils! In cold blood I killed you!"

"Last time I heard of death due to a hand stuck to a doorknob was...never," Lily finally said. She couldn't take hearing James cry, but she did enjoy a sweet slice of vengeance.It was in the form of chocolate cake.

"I want chocolate cake," Lily mused. She stood up, still keeping a firm grip on her towel. She disappeared into the bathroom and emerged in her robes again.

"But-what?" James asked, still kneeling on the ground.

"Think about it," Lily smiled, pat the boy on the head and walked away with Alice tailing her.

James watched her walk away. "I was tricked wasn't I?" Remus and Sirius nodded. Normally, James would have been put out, but in this instance his only reaction was, "one day we will have babies!"

**AN: hope the end wasn't too awkward. It was slightly inspired by some crazy crew member that** **swoons over one Darren Criss.****Leave a review!**


	4. Nobody Makes A Mockery of James Potter!

Ch. 4

**AN: this might not be the best chapter.**

James munched happily on his breakfast: Captain Sausage on the USS Wheat Toast with delicious marmalade as a protective shield as it sailed the high seas of an egg, tomato, and cheese omelet. When no one was paying attention, he would add his own sound effects.

"James, please don't play with your food," Lily said as she plopped down beside him. James froze just as an eggy wave was going to wash out the toast boat.

"I wasn't," James replied defensively. To further prove his point, he shoved the entirety of the beloved Captain Sausage in his mouth. For a sea bearer, he was quite magnificent. James made a mental note to eat his wife and two kids on the apple half shore.

"That's a lot of food," Lily continued, wrinkling her nose at the overcrowded plate. Lily helped herself to a bagel and cream cheese and a grapefruit.

"I'm hungry!"

"Are you really _that_ hungry?"

"Yes."

"Okay then."

"Lils, when you play quidditch as much as I do, you tend to find yourself packing in a little more than that guy over there," James explained, pointing to a twig thin first year Hufflepuff.

However, Lily wasn't paying attention to what James just said because she was reading a letter from her mother. James noticed a shockingly white and stiff sheet of parchment folded inside the envelope.

"What's that?" He asked, reaching for the paper. Lily quickly snatched the envelope from James' prying hand and eye.

"It's nothing," Lily said. "Just my mum wishing me happy birthday."

"Today's your birthday?"

"No, it's on Thursday." Without waiting for James to respond, she walked out of the Grand Hall without finishing her bagel.

As James watched her leave, a light went off in his head. Since it was a Hogsmede weekend, he will take the time to get his beautiful flower a birthday present that she will least expect. He needed to take that extra mile and go beyond the small town.

"Padfoot," James called. Sirius looked over from his spot further down the table, beside his girlfriend, Camilla.

"What?"

"Do you have plans for today?"

"What do you think?"

"Cancel them!" James shouted down the table.

"Why?"

"I need you on some very important business," James explained.

Sirius rolled his eyes, but gave in because he knew James' 'important business' could mean he will finally come back to the rule breaking side of the world. Ever since Lily's prank, James had taken a sharp turn in the opposite direction. He even had the nerve to give Sirius detention for picking on Snivellus. Of all people, Snivellus!

"Great, to Hogsmede!" James declared. He hopped up from his seat and was about to bound down the Hall, but he saw his sea voyage adventure breakfast. He couldn't just leave his meal at a cliffhanger, especially since the children of Captain Sausage were half eaten by the Jameslochness monster,

"We finish breakfast first!" James called back to his friend.

"So, what sort of tomfoolery to you in mind?" Sirius asked, anxiously rubbing his hands together. He had just met up with James at Three Broomsticks in Hogsmede.

"No tomfoolery, Sirisus," James said. "I've ended that chapter of my life. No, I need your help with getting my beautiful Lily flower a birthday present. But not just any present, no. I need to get her a present that let's her know she means the world to me, that I will do anything for her."

"Why don't you just ask her to marry you?" Sirius rolled his eyes. All the potential he sacrificed for in vain. "I mean, what you just said sounded like wedding vows to me."

James looked at his friend as though he had just been told he was from Mars. "Sirius, that would be crazy! Why would you even suggest such a ludicrous thought?"

"Because your whole speech sounded like wedding vows! I've wasted a very great day with Camilla because I thought you had something promising planned," Sirius cried.

"This is promising!"

"I'm not helping you plan your wedding!"

"Who said I was planning a wedding?"

At that moment, Lily along with her friends walked in. James almost thought that the entire pub went silent because she walked in. Then he realized that the whole pub was silent because of the quarrel between Sirius and him.

"Why is everyone so quiet?" James heard Alice mutter to Lily as they walked to the bar. He was about to hear what Lily's response was when Sirius grabbed the back of his robes and dragged himself outside.

"What?" James demanded.

Sirius paced a little, occasionally looking over at James, "fine, I'll help you look for a birthday present for Lily as long as you don't start spouting out vows again."

"Deal, let's change," James said eagerly, bounding back toward the castle.

"Change?" Sirius called after him.

"Yeah, into muggle clothes. We're going shopping at a muggle store."

"Bloody hell..."

James and Sirius traveled through the shopping mall with their shoulders pressed together. For some reason, the entire place was teeming with muggles. The entire building was packed wall to wall with the muggles; and they weren't polite either. They had been shoved twice, laughed at a five times, and had been given several disapproving looks from mothers. One time, James went to ask a girl he saw for some help finding a girly stuff store. The girl opened her mouth to answer, but the girl's father yanked her away from them, saying, "them blokes are bad new they are. You best steer clear from boys like that"

"Since when did we become criminals?" Sirius asked, frowning.

"Your guess is as good as mine," James replied. Maybe this extra mile idea wasn't as good as he thought it was.

Still refusing to give up, James approached a small group of what looked to be 13 year olds. He duly noted that they were giving him a weird look and were giggling amongst each other. _Is it my outfit?_ He asked himself, looking down at his muggle clothes. _Can't be. Lily helped me perfect my muggle look._

"Excuse me, but I was looking for a good shop to buy a present for my girlfriend, do you know of one? Maybe one you frequent?" James asked.

"Are you serious?" One of the adolescents asked.

"Completely."

"Maybe you should crawl out of the hole you live in," one of the other kids said. They all walked away laughing at the top of their lungs while one of the boys did a mockery of James' question.

"You're lucky it's illegal for me to hex you!" James called after them. He then decided that the court's jester of the group should make a mockery of himself. He pulled his wand out, concealing it so that no one would see and gave it a quick flick in the direction of the group. The boy that was mocking James immediately fell over, knocking a woman passing to the ground before stumbling into a face plant himself. The woman's shopping spilled everywhere and she spent five minutes shouting at the boy. A small group of spectators gathered and laughed at the boy's misery.

When the crowd cleared, the boy looked back over in James' direction and James responded by pointing his at himself and then thrusting it in the boys direction as a way of saying, "that's nothing compared to what I'll do next if you don't keep to yourself." The boy's eyes widened with fear and he ran off, his friends in trailing behind him, inquiring as to why he was running.

"He had it coming," Sirius nodded. "Let's just hope the Ministry doesn't get a hold of this."

"Oh, come on, Padfoot," James said. "Do you really think that in these hard times, aurors have nothing better to do than to chase around a harmless prank?"

"Good point," Sirius agreed. The two boys continued on their quest to find Lily a birthday present. They eventually settled on a lava lamp and a nice looking dress that James figured she could wear when he takes her out to dinner during Easter break. Little did he know that Lily had other plans for Easter for Lily, while James was doing his shopping, spent her Saturday filling out the form that her mother sent her in the mail that morning.

**AN: reviews= love! And remember: I don't own Harry Potter!**


	5. Space Alien Supermodels

Ch. 4

**AN: sorry this took so long! I had a little bit of writer's block. Oh and yikes, there might be some puzzle pieces that don't quite fit with this chapter with the last because I happened to get James' and Lily's birthdays confused. It's best just to roll with it.**

James walked down the street of which Lily lived. Even though she never told him where she lived, he knew that she lived in some proximity of his favorite hook-nosed Slytherin and he definitely knew where he lived. All he had to do was simply ask a passer-by for the Evan's residence. The kind fellow was more than happy to point out the residence. James made a mental note that muggles were ignorant.

"I very well could have been a Death Eater and was looking to attack poor Lily," he mused as he walked up the driveway to Lily's house. "Muggles should be more aware of their surroundings."

Judging by the front yard, the Evans family took pride in a curb appeal. Spring flowers were in full bloom and a giant tree graced the small patch of lawn the front yard held. It was Easter break and James was going to put his birthday plan into action.

He happily knocked on the door and gave his hair a ruffle for luck. Parents liked a boyfriend that took the time to make a messy head look drop dead gorgeous and by checking his appearance in the reflective surface of the door knocker, James was indeed, drop dead gorgeous.

"Time magazine's sexiest man alive, here I come!" James said to his reflection. At that moment, the door flew open.

"Are you talking to someone?" The woman on the other side of the door asked. She looked like an older version of Lily's sister, Petunia: tall and pointed. She must be Lily's mother.

"Uh, no," James stammered. _What happened to Time Magazine's sexiest man? Pull yourself together, James! Sexy men do not cower in the face of a mother. They are chill as a cucumber and show they are a safe choice for any young lady. I knew I should have painted a giant white check mark on me. That's the last time I take wardrobe advice from the pool boy._

James ran a nervous hand through his untidy hair. Lily's mother was starting to become impatient. She had a purse in her had and a set of keys in the other. She was obviously going somewhere and James was holding her up.

"What do you want, young man?"

"You must be Mrs. Evans," James started over again, his cool fully intact.

"What gave you that assumption?"

"I am James Poter and I am here to see Lily, is she home?" James' eye twitched at the sound of his own mouth mispronouncing his last name.

"Poter?"

"Potter, sorry." James planted one of his charming smiles that makes anyone's heart melt. Except Lily, of course. That girl is made of stronger stuff.

"And what do you want with my daughter?" Mrs. Evens asked coldly. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Apparently, Lily's James deflector came from her mother. This might not end well.

"To take her to dinner," James continued with his smile. Hey, it has to work eventually.

"Hmph," Mrs. Evans closed the door behind her and walked out to her muggle transportation machine. James believe it was called a 'car.' The woman drove away.

"Does that mean 'no'?" James muttered to himself. What if Lily was in the contraption? If she was, then why didn't she say something. Then, a shocking though came to James, "what if she's with Snivellus?"

James clutched his chest and doubled over. "Heart atack, surly!" he said to himself. When he realized there was no one around to watch his dramatic reaction, he deemed it pointless and straightened up. He figured he should see if Lily was home anyways and knocked on the door. Lily came to the door.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"With that attitude, nothing," James turned to leave. He glanced a look over his shoulder to see if she was going to call him back. She didn't

"I come here and surprise you and even brought a gift, and what do you do? You bite my head off!" James yelled, letting anger send a haze over himself.

"How did you even know where I lived?" Lily called back. She really looked like she didn't want James there, like she was hiding something. It was then James noticed she was wearing a bathrobe.

"I asked," James replied. "And speaking of asking, why are you in a bathrobe? Did you just get up or something? At 2 o'clock in the afternoon."

"No, I woke up at 7, like I always do. Why I'm in a bathrobe is none of your business!" Lily shouted. She was about to go inside when she realized that she, in a roundabout way, confessed to having an affair. An affair that never happened.

Sighing in defeat, Lily invited James inside.

"So, why are you in a bathrobe?" James asked, looking around.

"I was taking a shower. You said you had a present for me?" Lily inquired. Maybe if she could make James feel like his quest has been fulfilled, he won't ask anymore questions.

James nodded and pulled out the large box of which had the dress and lava lamp, "it's your birthday present." He handed her the present.

"My birthday was four months ago," Lily stated plainly. She unwrapped the box and aw the lava lamp and dress...that looked to be either too big or too small.

"Yes, well your birthday didn't really fit in with my plans, so I gave you a new one," James said. "Tonight, I will take you to dinner and we shall have lots of fun because it is your birthday. Happy Birthday."

"You changed my birthday to fit your plans?"

"Yes, but since you seem to have _other_ plans, I guess I'll just have to see if my mother has anything planned. She said something about meeting with a lawyer to draft a living will."

"That's horrible. You make that sound so normal," Lily looked at James with a look of surprise. He may be a lot of things, but heartless wasn't one of them.

"Well, she's been sick, like my dad was, and she thinks she needs to get her things in order," James' eyes shined over, trying hard not to cry. His father had passed away back in February and with his mum having the same illness he had, it was safe to say, she will be leaving this world soon as well.

Lily wrapped her arms around James, comforting him. He leaned into her accepting the comfort. She knew what it was like to lose a father. Her father died in a car accident in her fourth year. School was her only pillow.

There was a ring throughout the house and James jumped, "what was that?"

"The doorbell," Lily laughed a little.

"You charmed the door to ring?"

"It's not a charm," Lily looked like whoever was at the door, needed to disappear, immediately.

"Your company?" James asked. Awkward fog was thick in the house.

"Yeah," lily said glumly. "I kinda wish you didn't decide today to be my second birthday."

"Why?"

"Because...I have something I have to do," Lily looked over at the door as the bell rang throughout the house again. "Hang on,"

"Lily, wait," James called, he had a bad feeling about this 'company.'

"What?"

"You're not a Death Eater right? I mean, ole Snivelly didn't get to you, did he?"

"No, he didn't," Lily said in her glum voice. She pulled the door open and slipped outside.

James, who was paranoid with this secret visitor, sneaked over to the window and saw a party of what looked to be seven girls. Not only that, but all these girls had a suitcase that looked like they would be staying...or moving in.

James took a more interested eye at the girls themselves. Five of the seven were blonde, the other two brunette. Three of the girls looked slightly orange. Scratch that, _really_ orange. The other four looked a little tan, but with and orange hue. All girls had spotlight bright white teeth. This could only mean one thing.

"I'm in love with a space alien from the galaxy Andromeda!" James whispered to himself. What's more: she must be an assassin vigilante alien that, on her home planet, tried to free her people from some tyranny of a royal family but was caught. Before she was sentenced to death, no, worse than death? What's worse than death? Constant sun exposure and therefore painful sunburn. His poor Lily flower would be a succulent lobster that James dips in rich lemon garlicky butter sauce forever. Did they have lobster at that restaurant he made reservations for? All this talk of Lily's home planet of Boxiclustertosisix was making James' mouth water for a hearty lobster. Anyways, Lily, playing one last card trick, escaped to Earth, but was probably informed that the search squad was already on Earth looking for her. She must have refused his advances all these years because she thought he was on the search squad that was going to take her back to Boxiclustertosisix where she will be ginge all over for the rest of her miserable life.

These people she is meeting with must be her allies. What if their telling her that it was safe to return home? James couldn't let Lily leave Earth, let alone the Milky Way. He still needed to make babies with her and then, in a final stand off against Voldemort, die! If she leaves, his life will be unfulfilled.

The girls were ushered into the house and James dove behind a curtain, "this is a bad place to be in," James said to himself, thinking of the poor fate that had befallen Polonius in one of Lily's books. Holding his breath, the messy haired boy stayed completely still as he heard the gaggle of giggling girls run up the stairs.

"James?" Lily called softly. Was this the moment where she will turn on him? Will he, James something that was never listed on the Lexicon Potter, be taken prisoner by this assassin fugitive? One thing's certain: he couldn't stay behind the curtain.

"Hey there Lils," James said timidly. "Did I ever tell you how much I lover you? That you mean the world to me?"

"Several times," Lily replied. Then added, "I love you too. I probably should have explained this earlier." She paused. "I kind of can't do anything today because I have a...a... beauty pageant."

The last words were barely a whisper and she said them with her eyes closed, but James was pretty sure he heard her right. "You said beauty pageant, right?"

"Yeah, I've been doing them since I was 12. My mum said it would be a good way to boost my self esteem and get some confidence in myself, so I tried it. It's alright. I mean, I would rather not. I would love to go to dinner with you, but my mum already signed me up for it so I kind of have to."

James nodded, "so you get on a stage and have people rate how pretty you are based off of a scale of one to ten?"

"Basically," Lily looked down at her slippered feet. If there was one thing that she would keep from James until the day she died was her double life as a pageant girl.

"That's completely criminal!"

"I didn't think it's all that bad."

"Well, no, I mean a scale of one to ten is completely criminal. You're at least a 20, 20 million that is," James gave her a wry smile. Lily took a deep breath feeling a huge pressure leave her chest. James decided this was the time to take full advantage of what probably will be the least amount of clothing he will catch Lily in for a long time.

**AN: wow, that was really long. Hope it wasn't painstakingly long. So, I kind of need ideas for next chapter. If you have one, shoot it at me! Just don't literally shoot it. Leave a review! **


	6. Elbow, Elbow, Wrist, Wrist

Ch.6

**AN: thank you to all that reviewed and those who helped me with ideas, you know who you are! This chapter is for you. Remember: I don't own Harry Potter!**

"Lily's doing _what?_" Sirius whispered to his friend. He and James were hiding in the bushes of a event center of some kind. There were people walking in for some sort of event. Strangely, most of them were girls and their mothers. All the girls varied in ages. There were some babies, toddlers, teens, and every other age inbetween.

"She's in a beauty pageant," James said, for what felt like the three hundredth time.

"Why?"

"Does it matter? Lily is going up against a bunch of blonde hair blue eyed beauts! I may know that she is the hottest thing this world has ever seen, but the rest of the world is oblivious to this."

"Are you implying what I think you're implying?" Sirius may have been dragged out of bed at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, but if it was to rig a beauty pageant, he would have to reconsider gluing James' hand to an awkward place on his body.

"Not exactly," James said. "You see, the world may be oblivious to Lily's beauty, but I am 100% certain her competition isn't. I say, we just make sure that everyone plays fairly and support Lily.

"Way ahead of you," Sirius gave James a wink and the two boys made a quick dash for the building. Although it wasn't like they weren't allowed to go in, it was just against the Guy Code to watch a girly event unless it was for your wife or kid.

They found the ballroom that Lily's age group would be competing in and found a decent seat. It was close to the front, but in the blind spot of the audience and judge. James looked for a way backstage to tell Lily good luck, or was it break a leg? He'll mush the two together, just in case.

Seizing his opportunity, James dashed behind the scenes and stepped into a world of last minute make-up touches, giving the fake tan a once over, and complaining that someone stole your brush or teeth whiteners.

It didn't take long for him to find Lily in an elegant, long emerald green dress. He found himself stupefied with how pretty she looked. It wasn't until a girl in a not so elegant pink dress walked into his vision. She winked at him and gave a flirtatious wave, polishing the encounter with a Charlie's Angels hair flip.

James had to admit, the whole encounter was hot...if you were a 13 year old pubescent boy. Unfortunately, Lily saw the whole encounter and James knew exactly who he had to arranged to be taken out first.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked, shooting a glare at the girl in the pink dress. She never liked her. In fact, if Lily was ever competitive, that exact girl would be her rival. She always beat her out in the talent and swimsuit portion of the pageant. Now, she was trying to beat her out in the relationship portion as well.

"I came to see you," James said simply, breaking Lily's vow to squash her competition. She worked for six long years to avoid James, now that she had him, he wasn't going anywhere with anyone!

"Are you okay?" James asked, waiving his hand in front of his girlfriend's face. She looked back at him.

"Sorry, it's just we're starting soon, so I guess I'll see you later."

"Yeah, we will celebrate after you win," James agreed. He gave Lily a quick kiss before going and taking his seat again.

Sirius was sitting there with a little brochure in his hands. James nodded his head toward the brochure and Sirius showed him that it was a collection of all the girls competing in the pageant, their hobbies, and goals. Each girl had their picture by their little snippet.

James took the pamphlet and skimmed through it until he found the girl that was trying to distract Lily with her cougar ways.

"Her," James pointed to the picture labeled 'Penny.' "She tried to veer Lily's focus off from her competition. She needs to be the first to go."

"According to this," Sirius motioned to the pamphlet, "she loves dogs."

"Does she now?" James' familiar smile crept across his face. "You know, Padfoot, I'm pretty sure I saw a mud puddle outside. Let's see how much she loves dogs."

"I'm on it," Sirius ducked out of the room, just as the host was announcing hte start of the pageant. Each girl, upon being announce their name, hobby and fact about herself, would step out, smile, and wave at the audience then rejoin the group.

Lily's response was flawless, naturally. She stumbled a little walking back but James accredited her with showing that she was not perfect, nor did she try to be.

When it came time for Penny, she stepped out, flashed her smile, blew a kiss and was quickly established as a favorite with the crowd. Just as the judge announced that Penny loved dogs, Sirius burst into the ballroom, caked in mud. He ran onto the stage, jumped on Penny and barked happily.

"Ugh! Get off of me you filthy mutt!" Penny pushed Sirius away and Sirius made it look like she pushed him to the ground for he flopped over onto the edge of the stage and gave a whimper.

"Look what you did to my dress!" Penny cried, trying in vain to rub the mud off her gown. Meanwhile, Sirius was issued off the stage and outside, playing up a limp. The crowd crossed Penny off as their favorite. She lied about loving dogs.

"How was that?" Sirius muttered to James, returning from the 'bathroom'.

"Perfect," James said. "You got a little mud on your chin there."

"Oh, thanks. So, who's next?"

"I saw the one girl, Vanessa, checking out the back of Lily's dress, like she wanted to rip it."

"Well we know how to handle that, now, do we?" Sirius pulled his wand out, givigna small wink.

Meanwhile, back on stage, Lily looked over in James' direction. Sirius was there too. She noticed that he came in right after the dog came in and jumped on Penny. Sirius could turn into a dog. A big, black, shaggy dog, much like the one that came on the stage. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion.

Throughout the competition, she began to feel more and more that they were rigging the other girls' routines just to give her and edge. Vanessa's dress ripped in the walking portion for no reason whatsoever. Lily slipped on one of her heels during this portion, but the girl behind her fell due to a broken heel. Also in the walking portion, a girl's hand got stuck in her hair, but her hair was in a simple French twist.

When it got to the swimsuit portion, Lily half expected someone's top to fall off, so she, from her spot in line, slipped her wand out and threw a little charm in the direction of the Marauders. It was a simple charm that prevented Sirius, or James from performing a spell.

"Let's see what you do now, James," Lily said to herself.

"What did you say?" Penny inquired from behind her.

"Nothing." Lily replied and waited for her name to be called for her to walk on stage. Lily's swimsuit was simple. She gave up on the whole extravagant swimsuits that are all glitz and glamour, complete with drink holders that attached at the hips. No, this year she wore the swimsuit she bought when her family went to the Bahamas for the summer. It was a two piece that she tie dyed on one of the islands.

Out in the audience, James and Sirius were putting their head together, trying to figure out why their spells weren't working. They had ten more people to take care of, but with wands not working, Lily's whole routine was going to be sabotaged and everyone will laugh at her and then she would be so upset.

Lily walked on stage in her tie dyed bikini. James took one look at her and knew he would make beautiful, articulate babies with the woman. He looked over at the judges to see if they were as impressed with her as he was. He noticed that all the judges were men. In fact, everyone in the audience were men. And they were all looking at Lily with a particular gleam in their eyes. James knew they were all picturing _his_ girlfriend naked.

"Lily's mine!" James said to himself, feeling rage coarse through his veins. He burst out of his chair and dashed onto the stage.

"James, what are you–" Lily sputtered.

"You'll thank me later," James cut her off, covering her in his cloak and dragging her off stage. "No guy will look at my flower, with the intention of stealing her from me!" He grabbed Lily's wand and ran back out into the ballroom, hexing every guy in the audience to a well deserved oblivion.

It didn't take long for the aurors to show up with mind modifiers. The aurors advanced on James and he did his best to fend them off, but they surrounded him and pulled him to the ground, immobilizing him.

James screamed out angrily. He wasn't going to let a bunch of wizard cops stop him in his quest to get rid of all the men in the audience...which was everyone. He wriggled and tried to break free, but Made Eye came around and shoved some kind of potion down his throat. James faded into darkness, whiled still trying to escape.

"JAMES!" James felt someone slap him across the face. Hard. James sat up quickly, throwing a few fists around to beat out whoever was still standing from his smack down.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked. James realized he was on the ground. He was surrounded by women, one of the ones in the front being Lily, and Sirius. James sat up and looked at his girlfriend. She was still in her swimsuit so he took his cloak and wrapped it around her. She rolled her eyes at him, but pulled the cloak tighter around her body.

"What happened to the aurors?"

"What aurors? There are no aurors here," Sirius gave him a look and motioned to all the muggles.

"Then why am I on the ground?"

"You passed out."

"Oh."

"Do you need a hospital?" one of the women with a button that said "judge" on it.

"No, I'm fine. I guess I just dozed off a little," James laughed shakily. He stood up and sat back down in his chair. Everyone gathered that he was telling the truth and went and sat down as well. It took a couple of minutes for the pageant to get up and rolling again, but when it did, it was as though nothing ever happened.

After the swimsuit portion was the Q&A portion. Lily was the fourth person to go on so she didn't have much time to change and her thoughts kept drifting back to James. She fixed her hair and make-up and went to pull her dress on. However, when she pulled the gown off of the rack where it had been hanging on its wire hanger, she saw that someone and cut strips into it and broke the zipper off. She couldn't wear the dress, nor could she put on her ball gown.

"Good luck, Lily," Penny called to her, she was the first to go on. There was also something about her tone that told Lily she was the one to slash her dress when everyone was focused on James' fainting.

"Oh no," Lily had to think of something and fast. The Q&A had a lot of points to it and disqualification meant last place for sure. Not even her impressive 'magnetic' floating plate routine from the talent portion could save her if she was disqualified from the Q&A. She needed a dress and fast.

Lily's eyes trailed to the box that held her second birthday present from James. A light went off in her head as she remembered he had gotten her a dress. She quickly dug the dress out and figured it was fancy enough to walk on stage with.

After she had pulled on the dress, she realized it was too big for her. Not too too big, just a little baggy on her, but it will do. Lily ran over to the entrance of the stage where it was almost her turn to go on. She was listening to what one of her opponents that pretends to be her friend was finishing up when she realized that she could use wearing a dress her boyfriend gave her as a new edge.

Lily, with her newfound edge, walked on stage with the usual poise and approached the mike, prepared to answer her questions. The judges pretended to be unfazed with her wardrobe change, but it was obvious they were curious. Lily, however, acted like there was nothing in the world wrong with what she was wearing and answered her questions.

"I have to ask," one of the judges finally said. Lily was on her last question and knew exactly what was coming. She tried to hide her smile and glanced over at James, who looked like Christmas came early.

"What are you wearing?" The judge asked.

"Oh this is a dress my boyfriend got me this for my birthday," Lily acted as though it was an obvious answer and walked off the stage. She gave Penny a smirk as she walked by her and changed into her ball gown.

James couldn't put into words how happy he was to see Lily in the dress he got her and he had to make one last attempt to off the competition for her. At least, the competition that threatens to off Lily.

"Sirius, we need to think of something."

"When did you figure that out, Captain Obvious?" Sirius responded. He was a bit peeved because of the bag of ideas he had gone to waste due to the lack of wand power. It was probably the Ministry of Magic.

"Okay, there's one category left and I'm thinking of charming some of the girls to speak their minds and reveal the naughty things they think about the people, the judges, and the world," James explained.

"That's great... for the last category! How are they supposed to speak their minds when they aren't even talking?" Sirius pointed out. This sent James back to the drawing board.

"I've got it!" Sirius shot up in his seat. "We put a small patch of ice on the stage and charm every girl that Lily is trying to take Lily out to walk over the patch of ice!"

"Brilliant! Where are we going to get the wand power needed to make this happen?" James asked.

"Steal Lily's, of course."

"Again, brilliant!" James said and snuck back stage. All the girls were scrambling to perfect themselves for the last time. It was distraction enough for James to quickly summon his girlfriend's wand and slip out undetected. He passed y the stage and shot a quick patch of ice on it before dashing back into his seat.

"Ready Padfoot?"

"I most certainly am, Prongs."

The two boys smiled mischievously as they watched the girls walk out. Penny was the first of the enemies to cross paths with the fated ice patch. It quite a hoot watching her walk out, pose, and while walking back, take a weird turn, slip and fall, then quickly get up and run off the stage.

"This may be the best idea you've had yet, Sirius," James gasped between laughs as their next victim, Vanessa slipped for the third time.

After Vanessa practically crawled off the stage, Lily walked on, turned, and walked off. Flawless. The same couldn't be said for the girl, Rachel, who unknowingly walked straight into the ice patch without being charmed.

When the last girl had walked off the stage, all the competitors walked back on some ten minutes later to hear who had won the title of Miss Teen Fluff. The winner, to Sirius and James' surprise, took home 2,000 pounds as well as a year's supply of marshmallow fluff.

"James, do you realize how many fluffer nutters Moony can make on our nights in the Shrieking Shack with a year's supply!" Sirius practically squealed. If there was something he loved more than mischief, it was fluffer nutters.

The audience held their breath as they heard the results. In third place came this girl named Cassie. James recognized her as the girl whose had got stuck in her hair. They obviously didn't damage her enough. Second place, despite the efforts of the Marauders, went to Penny. James noted that she was not happy about winning second, so he took that as a small victory.

"And in first place, the winner of the Miss Teen Fluff pageant goes to..." the announcer paused. Sirius and James held each other in anticipation. "Lily Stewart!"

James and Sirius immediately started to celebrate. They made a victory shout and chest bumped each other. The audience felt like the boys had turned the pageant into some football game.

"That's how you win a pageant! Right there!" James exclaimed. "Prettiest girl on the planet and don't you for– wait, did you Lily _Evans_?"

"Stewart," Lily Stewart said. She looked around nervously wondering if anyone knew who the random boys were and what they were doing there. She was smiling with her crown on her head and flowers in her arms.

"What!" Sirius yelled.

"This pageant's rigged!" James yelled. The boys knocked a few chairs over on their way out.

Lily, onstage, was a little disappointed with how her final pageant went, but then she realized: she never actually won a beauty pageant and it's not like it mattered to her. She was going to dinner with James Potter, the boy that, a year ago, she wouldn't be caught dead with ion private, let alone public.

**AN: very long, I know, but I hope it wasn't too painful. The next one will be shorter, promise! If you have an idea for the next chapter (being as I have none) please let me know! Just leave it in a review and I will take it into consideration. Don't forget to review!**


	7. Missing Marshmallow Fluff Case Solved

Ch.7

**AN: Thanks to sherbertgirl and VivaJuanita for your reviews! They are greatly appreciated. On with the show!**

Lily walked cautiously up to the steps of an old, yet beautiful house. It had been three months since she graduated from Hogwarts and was visiting James for the first time at his house. She wasn't sure why she felt so nervous. It's not like he hasn't ever been to her house. He tracked down where she lived. And now, she has done the same.

She was about to raise her hand to knock when someone called out to her from above.

"Excuse me, what do you want?" An elderly woman called from a window a little to the left of the front door. Lily immediately recognized the woman as James' mother.

"Um, hi, I'm Lily. I came here to see James?" Lily called up to the woman.

"Hello Lily, what do want with my son?"

"Um...," Lily trailed off. She wondered what to say. She knew what the answer was, but she wasn't sure if she really wanted to say it. "I was going to take him on a date."

"Really?" Lily didn't have to see the woman's face in order to distinguish her expression.

"I see," Mrs. Potter ducked back into the house and shut the window. This left Lily to wonder if she should just walk away and owl James instead. Maybe if no one came to the door after fifteen minutes, that would be a sign to leave.

So, Lily waited. And waited. And waited. She looked down at her watch every two minutes. When she noted that she had reached her limit, she turned to leave.

"Lils!" James called from behind. For some strange reason, Lily looked ack up at the window, expecting to see James' face poking out.

"Lily, down here."

Lily looked to the open door and felt her face grow hot from embarrassment. She noted that he too was a deep crimson.

"Hey, I was just leaving, actually," Lily laughed awkwardly.

"Please come in!" James held the door open a little wider for her. He nervously looked over his shoulder. He couldn't quite tell, but he was certain he saw his mother shrink away into the shadows.

He turned his attention back to Lily, who had taken his invitation to come in. She smiled shyly and looked a lot like she wanted nothing more than to run right back out.

"Do you want anything?"

"No thank you," Lily said breathlessly. James house was very beautiful. However, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched. Whenever she looked out of the corner of her eye, she saw a shadow shift.

"Butterbeer?"

"I'm fine."

"Pumpkin juice?"

"No, James, I'm fine." James nodded and took Lily's hand, leading her further into the house. he turned back to her when they were at the foot of the stairs.

"Ovaltine?"

"You have Ovaltine?"

"Yeah..."

"Do you really?" Lily couldn't believe that a wizarding family, pure-blooded no less, would have a muggle staple such as Ovaltine.

"Yes, I have Ovaltine. Do you want any?"

"I don't like Ovaltine."

"Then why did you ask?" James said, frustrated.

"I just didn't think you had Ovaltine. That doesn't necessarily means I like it," Lily crossed her arms in annoyance.

"Whatever," James lead the way to the second landing. There was a small loft that seemed to be used for either a library or a knitting club since balls of yarn and half knitted Afghans and blankets littered the floor and chairs. There were a pair of needles working diligently on a what looked to be a hat, or was it a sock? Lily brushed the thought out of her mind as James lead her down a hall and into a room.

It was a little messy, but in an organized way since the clothes were in a designated pile. A broom stood in the corner and an open trunk lay at the foot of the bed. This was James' room.

"You can sit down," James said, moving a pile of school books from the bed to the floor to make a spot from them to sit.

"I can see you've been busy,"Lily said lightly, using a potions ladle to scoot a pair of boxers under the bed where she won't have to look at it. It was just awkward, trying to have a conversation with your boyfriend when all you could do was imagine him in the satin looking boxers on the bed. It was rude, so Lily took care of that problem.

"Yeah, you know, cleaning out my trunk for the first time in eight years," James chuckled. "You will never believe some of the stuff I found at the bottom!"

"I would rather not know."

"So, what brings you here? How did you even know where I lived?"

"I asked."

"Right, of course," James looked out of the corner of his eye again as something flashed by. "So, you want to go do something?"

"Actually, I was going to take you someplace," Lily answered, walking around the room. Under the bed or not, green satin boxers aren't exactly out of sight out of mind. She walked over to the closet and peeked in through a crack. From what she saw, there were a lot of boxes in it.

"What are all the boxes for?" She asked, her hand on the knob.

"Nothing! You don't have to look in th–," it was too late. Lily was already marveling at the wall of boxes that filled his closet. She looked over at James questioningly and all he could do was stand with a sheepish grin on his face.

"I'm a sore loser."

"I can tell," lily pulled out the jar of marshmallow fluff with the brand label reading that of the sponsor of the Miss Teen Fluff beauty pageant. "So, that's what happened to the fluff. You stole it out of the truck."

"Yeah, we did. Sirius really wanted that marshmallow fluff for fluffer nutters and I thought the whole thing was rigged–,"

"You were the one that rigged it!" Lily interrupted.

"True, but when you rig a competition, you never expect to lose!"

"Winning that pageant didn't mean anything to me."

"It didn't?"

"At first it bothered me, but then I realized that I never ever won one in my life and it's not like I depended on them for something or another. I still had you to take me out for my second birthday. That was the loveliest dinner I think I've ever been to," Lily explained. She smiled at James and looked back at the marshmallow fluff jar. "I hate marshmallow fluff anyways."

James smirked and wrapped his arms around Lily's waist, pulling her closer to him. Lily leaned into his chest and they just stood there. Then, Lily saw something flash before her eyes again and turned to look at it fully, but it was gone.

"So, how about we go take a stroll? I know this great park," James asked. He seemed a bit jittery.

"No, I said I was going to take you out, so you're coming with me," Lily grabbed her boyfriend by the collar and dragged him outside where she disapparated.

The two landed in a small alley and walked to the other side of it.

"Where are we?" James asked, looking around.

"A small place I frequent every now and then," Lily answered, leading the way into a dingy looking building. James had a sudden flash of a tattoo parlor with rusty needles and some other pus-looking stuff that you would rather not have put in your arm. You mention the unsterile needle to the artist and they simply wipe the needle off on a blood stained cloth and call it good.

"We aren't getting any work done are we? Because if we are, I think we need to find a place where your name in a flower on my shoulder won't come with a hefty medical bill," James said.

"What are you talking about? This is an arcade."

"A what?"

"An arcade. It's a muggle place where kids can play video games. I'll show you." Lily pulled a reluctant James through the door. The interior of the place was much better that outside. There were dimly lit lights, but it didn't make much difference since there were all these machines lit up and making noises. The place was fairly busy. Kids of a variety of ages, but mostly boys, ran about the place hopping on one of the machines and playing it. Whatever they were doing, James gathered, was pretty intense since it wasn't long before they would start saying things to themselves.

"This is interesting," James noted.

"Find something you want to try out, I'll go get some tokens," Lily said excitedly and bounced off. James smiled after her, but secretly wished she wouldn't have left his side.

James milled around the establishment, watching what the others would do so he could get a hand of a 'video game.' There were many games that seemed promising. There was this game called 'Pac Man' that gathered a small crowd, and then there was one called TRON. The one James couldn't understand was the most popular game in the place: Pong. From what he could see, the game was simply two bar things on opposite sides of the screen that hit a tiny square back and forth. How was that remotely fun?

"Got the tokens!" Lily exclaimed, holding up a small cup filled with galleon looking coins. "Since I find pong boring unless it's on one of the machines that someone has reworked for smaller paddles, let's go play something else."

James allowed himself to be followed once more to this brightly lit machine that had a guy in a loincloth on the front of it.

"What's this?"

"It's a game where you have to get out of a jungle," Lily explained. James noticed her hands were shaking slightly and her cheeks were a shade of pink.

"Okay, so the stick thing is to move your guy."

"What guy?"

"The one on the screen." James looked at the screen, moved his stick a little and noticed the guy moved in the same direction the stick moved in, "oh."

"And the blue button is to jump," Lily continued, pointing at the button on the control panel. "The red one is to kill cats with your guy's club."

"What?" James cried, his features showing horror.

Lily's face became as red as her hair, "that's the point of the game. You have to get out this jungle that's filled with mutant jungle cats. And they attack you and you have to hit them with the club...which is the red button."

"What happens if you don't kill the mutant jungle cat?"

"It eats you and you die. Ultimately, the game is over."

"Philosophical. Let's start, I guess.

It didn't take James long before he was attacked by one of the dreaded mutant jungle cats. When his neanderthal was attacked, he forgot about the red button and almost blasted the machine with a curse. Lily helped James' guy by beating the cat in the head. She was really good at the game and James got the feeling she came here more than she admitted to play this particular game.

The two played for some three hours and used up all the tokens in the cup trying to escape the jungle of mutant jungle cats. James was surprisingly good at the game, but a mere novice compared to Lily.

"I don't think you mum likes me that much," Lily said out of the blue, thwacking three cats at once, saving James once more.

"Naw, she thinks your nice," James absent mindedly said back.

"Really? When I first showed up at your house I spoke with her and the way the 'conversation,' if that's what you want to call it, ended, she looked at me in a way I thought was sort of disapproving.

"Lily, my mum thinks you're great, don't worry about her."

"Then why did she look at me like that?"

"She was mad that you came to take me on a date and not me going and taking _you_ on a date. She's really old fashioned that way."

**AN: I know TRON originated four years in the future given the time this was taking place, but I had to. Next chapter will be up as soon as possible. Please review!**


	8. Not in the Blueprints

Ch.8

**AN: yay! New chapter! Thanks to my reviews sherbertgirl and Viva Juanita. You guys make writing this story worthwhile. Especially with the review war!**

Lily looked contemplatively at her sparkling new possession. She never had anything made of diamond before. The closest she could get was the cheap fake diamonds you could find in a muggle costume shop. Now, she had a real diamond. A sparkly new diamond fashioned into a ring.

She bobbed her head back and forth as she lied in bed. It was early morning, the sun wasn't even up yet. Lily couldn't decide which thought excited her more, the thought that she was getting married or the fact that her engagement ring was the most expensive item she ever owned. Ever. Then again, beauty pageant dresses weren't exactly cheap, but her mum had gotten a discount on them since she knew the lady that made them personally. Yep, her engagement ring was hands down the most expensive thing in her possession.

This thought was trailed with the thought of what would happen if she were to lose it. She would be upset because James had paid a lot of money for such a sparkly rock that said he was forever hers, but how would James react? He wasn't materialistic. Maybe he wouldn't mind, then again, he could be furious at her for losing something he put much thought into buying. She was certain he didn't buy the first ring that jumped out at him. He must have spent hours pouring over each and every ring in the store while looking at multiple stores to make his decision.

Lily rolled over in bed and closed her eyes, imagining her wedding. It would have to be small to not attract the attention of Lord Voldemort. The two of them have rubbed him the wrong way a couple of times and managed to live. Such a feat wouldn't last long unless they were absolutely careful.

Their wedding would also have to be soon. She couldn't walk around the wizarding world enough as it is. Too many muggle borns were disappearing only to turn up mangled and dead a few days later. Although Lily could handle herself just fine, she knew that when cornered by Death Eaters, she had little chance at survival, especially since her hard headed nature put her on Voldemort's "People to Kill" list.

"James," Lily said, shaking the sleeping man beside her. Her only response was the pillow muffled snore. She sighed and turned back to her thoughts. She wondered how long they would have to wait until it was safe again. Getting married was something they could do on the down low, having children wasn't.

"My children will be on Voldemort's "People to Kill" list too," Lily said to herself.

"Did you say something?" James yawned.

"Oh, now you're up, meanwhile I'm being tortured by Bellatrix!"

"WHAT!" James jumped out of bed wand raised and loaded. His head shot around, quickly scanning the place for possible threads of dark magic.

"Forget it, there's no one there, James," Lily said, rolling over in bed.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh you know, living a life in the shadows. It tends to have a dreary effect on your mood."

James sighed and crawled back into bed, "you know, we don't have to get up today. There's not any Order meetings planned."

"I was thinking about our wedding," Lily rolled on top of her fiancee.

"What about it?"

"Well, it would have to be small and quiet, unless we want Death Eaters catching wind of it."

James frowned, "I think you're right. It would have to happen soon tool."

"That's what I was thinking," Lily agreed. "When should we get married?"

"A few weeks?"

"That seems too fast."

"Not really," James reasoned, "I mean, what do you need to get married? A dress, a guy that does the marrying ceremony, some dress robes, a maid of honor and a best man. We can round all that up in a few weeks, no problem."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, people do it all the time. That is, if you want to get married in a few weeks?"

"I don't see how it would make a difference, getting married in a few weeks versus getting married in a few years," Lily turned her head to gaze out the window. It was a cloudy day. The rain drizzled down the window pane. There were many days like this, lately. "I guess that three weeks will be fine. It'll give me a little bit of hope."

"This won't last forever, Lils," James kissed the top of her head.

**AN: this chapter didn't go exactly as planned and wasn't remotely funny. I decided to take a serious time out and give a little perspective of the happenings of the war. Next chapter will make up for it, promise! It may take some time.**


	9. Paul!

Ch. 9

"Hello, fair young maiden," James said, sitting down across from Lily. It was breakfast and Lily was less than pleased to have her least favorite person in the entire world sitting across form her. It messed with her digestion and Activia wouldn't be invented for another 30 years.

"What do you want, Potter?" she snapped. she put a good scowl on her face. Naye if she concentrated enough, James Potter would explode and she would dance in the rain...rain of parts.

"I really need to write my shrink again," she mumbled to herself.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing, what do you want?"

"Well, I just thought you were wondering if you could roll with us," James said cooly, a look of arrogance on his face.

"Us?"

"You know, my friends, comrades, companions, entourage, if you will. It's high time you kick ole Snivellus to the curb there."

"And what makes you think I would 'roll' with you," Lily felt her cheeks flush with anger.

"Because you match the criteria," James continued.

"Which would be?"

"Hot and dangerous."

Lily rolled her eyes and gave up trying to masticate her blueberry muffin. She grabbed her school bag and marched out of the Great Hall. She was a prefect that needed to study for her OWLs and didn't care too much for being 'hot and dangerous.' However, this meant she would have to hide her hot pants. No one can no about her new dancing routine for her next beauty pageant.

"Hello, Lily Evans,"a girl from Ravenclaw, along with some 30 other girls suddenly walked in front of Lily. Lily, defensively pulled out her wand, she didn't want to be picked on for being a muggle born again. Although, that hasn't happened since third year, still, it was their lives or hers and she valued her life a little more than theirs.

"What now!"

"Don't worry, we're not going to hurt you. We were just wondering if you would like to make James Potter shut up?"

"More than anything."

"Then come with us, we have a plan to put that cauldron bum of a Gryffindor in his place," the Ravenclaw girl continued. Lily had no idea what they wanted from her, but if it meant getting back at Potter...

"I'm in," Lily said. She followed the group to the Room of Requirement.

*That Saturday*

Lily stalked down the stairs in her 'casual' wear. Every guy that saw her whistled and she would return the favor with a wink. Spotting her best friend, Severus, she took a small detour from her mission to talk to him.

Severus' mouth hung on a hinge when he saw Lily walking up to him. She was wearing a short, strapless dark green dress that hugged every curve on her body. Her flaming red hair was curled and pulled up in a fashion that had curls waterfall down her back.

"Morning Sevy!"

"Hi," Severus swallowed hard, wiping his palms on his robes

"Do you like my outfit? I'm going to stick that pig-headed Potter in his place," Lily explained. She pulled the top of her dress up, even though it wasn't falling. She had never worn a dress so revealing, but she knew how to act the part.

"Nice." Severus sputtered out. He shifted awkwardly, turned around a quickly walked in the opposite direction. Lily frowned, wondering why he was acting strange, but remembered she was supposed to be making a grand entrance in the Great Hall. She walked in her catwalk fashion that she uses for pageants to really get students to stop and stare.

Lily continued on her quest, winking at every guy that passed her. She even had a few of them, what with their raging teenage boy hormones and all, followed her around. One audacious seventh year even put his arm around her shoulders. When Lily's new entourage walked calmly past the Marauders without so much as a glance, James' face twisted and contorted in away that Lily never thought possible.

"Can I get you some orange juice Lily?" a Hufflepuff boys asked.

"You can get back to your own house is what you can do!" James snapped. Every inch of his body was shaking with rage. The hufflepuff, being a fourth year and therefore, inferior to the fifth year status James held, backed off.

"Lily! Why are you dressed like that?" James demanded.

"Because I want to be," Lily smeared marmalade on a buttered piece of toast. The seventh year boy still had his arm around her.

"Who is that?" James pointed at the seventh year boy.

"Paul."

"Paul?"

"No, not 'Paul,' Pa-_ul_," Lily corrected.

"Oh, so sexy," James scoffed. "Why is it Pa-_ul_?"

"Because 'pow' is the sound my fist makes so that you'll get out of my face!" Paul answered, shaking his fist.

"He's a seventh year," Lily chimed in.

"Uh, Lils? I hate to break this to you, but he doesn't even go to this school!"

Lily turned to Paul, "you told me you were a seventh year."

"I am a seventh year, even though I graduated four years ago," Paul explained.

"Oh really? What are you? A super seventh year?" James raised an eyebrow.

"No, I've been a black belt for seven years and I think you've over stayed your welcome," Paul stood up, grabbed James, and twisted him into a pretzel.

"Wow, Paul, you're really strong," Lily accepted Paul's arm and they walked out of the Great Hall together, leaving James in a twisted, broken heap.

Lily awoke with a start. She felt her heart racing in her chest and rolled over. It was only 2 o'clock in the morning. Lily looked down at the floor, focusing on slowing her heart down. She realized how messy the floor was. There were articles of clothing littered everywhere. She grabbed her wand from the bedside and gave it a little wave. The clothes were rounded up and put into a neat pile in the hamper.

"James, James, wake up!" Lily said, shaking her husband for about a week.

"Mmm, what?" James mumbled, half asleep.

"Promise me that we'll never name our son Paul?" Lily whispered.

"What?"

"Promise?"

"Lily, I doubt you can get pregnant in the course of...6 hours. So, why are you bringing up baby names?" James adjusted his pillow and tried to go back to sleep.

"I'm just saying, I don't want a child named Paul."

"Why not? What's wrong with the name Paul?" James asked, hoping Lily would just go back to sleep.

"Not Paul, Pa-_ul_."

"Fine, why is Pa-_ul_ a bad name?"

"Because he'll grow up to be a bully and pick on people younger than he is, just because he can," Lily frowned. James wasn't taking this as serious as she was and it was irritating her.

"Lily, just because you name someone Pa-_ul_, doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be a bully," James paused. "What brought this up anyways?" He finally turned to face her.

"I had a horrible dream about a bully name Paul," Lily admitted.

"You had a dream that we had a son named Pa-ul, and he was a bully?"

"No, he wasn't our son. He was just this guy. I was there and you were there. I was a slut."

"You're not a slut," James said, pulling her closer and kissing the top of her shoulder. "Where's my boxers?"

"The hamper," Lily said, sleep rolling back over her.

"Why?" James said, refusing to hide his annoyance. What's the point in having sex if your undies weren't on standby for when you were done?

"I put them there," Lily answered, she figured that since she woke him up, she would ignore his put out tone.

"I wasn't done wearing those," James reached into the hamper, trying to salvage kidnapped undies.

"James!"

"What? I want those boxers."

"Get a new pair!" Lily demanded. She wondered why she married him. Was it too soon in their marriage to be wondering such thoughts? Answer: no. James Potter was still a toe rag. He was just her toe rag, now. And forever and ever and ever. If he so much as thought about leaving or dying, she would kidnap him in the middle of the night, drag him to her basement, tie him up, and force him to live the rest of his days out there. No one leaves Lily Evans. Lily Evens...Potter, leaves you.

**AN: songs that inspired this chapter: "We R Who We R" Ke$ha, "Man! I Feel Like a Woman" Shania Twian, "Stuck Like Glue" Sugarland, "Livin La Vida Loca" Ricky Martin, and "Una Noche" 98 Degrees. Although this chapter didn't go exactly as I planned again, but this turned out for the better. Next chapter for sure will be where I want to be...finally. Please review!**


	10. One Last Chance

Ch. 10

**AN: quick, I know, but I want to get on track here. This will be drabble-ish. Also, last chapter, I forgot a song dedication/inspiration. So, "Can't be Tamed" Miley Cyrus helped with the writing process**

Lily paced the floor of her bathroom. It was her thinking space, much like Winnie the Pooh's thinking log. He was a Death Eater now, she really shouldn't have owled him. She couldn't help it. They were friends, although not so much anymore, they still grew up together. He was like a brother to her.

She ventured past her thinking spot and over to her closet. Lily picked some plain, but decent robes. She couldn't let James know that she arranged to meet Severus. One: he hates Severus with a fiery passion deep within his soul. Two: Severus was a Death Eater and she very well could be walking into a trap and it would truly be all her fault. Three: she didn't think of a three, which was why Lily found it okay to meet with him. Despite the whole dark arts path her childhood friend took, she still trusted him. Part of Lily felt like Severus, although pledging loyalty to Lord Voldemort, was still loyal to her.

Emerging from her bathroom, Lily grabbed her wand from the bedside table and left to meet Severus, leaving a potion sitting on the counter of the bathroom. Lily had forgotten all about it and never went to check to see what the potion told her.

She arrived at their meeting place ten minute ahead of schedule. It was a small coffee shop that they would hangout during the summer. Lily ordered her usual vanilla cinnamon cappuccino, skim milk, extra froth. She sipped her coffee and the warmth of the caffeine calmed her nerves while making her want to run a marathon.

"Hello Lily,"Snape said from behind.

Lily jumped a little, having not seen Severus come up to her out of the corner of her eye. "Oh, hello, Severus, I didn't see you coming." Severus showed up on time as usual. He was never late, ever. Unlike James, who shows up late to his own wedding. Lily loves her husband very much.

"Sorry for the scare."

"No worries I'm glad you came. I have something wonderful to tell you. I wished you were there, but we wanted to keep it very quiet," Lily explained.

"We?" Snape raised an eyebrow. He didn't like where this conversation was heading.

"James and I."

"Oh."

"We got married."

What happened next startled Lily. She knew that Severus hated James as much as James hated Severus and half expected him to be mad. Instead, he fell over on the table, laughing. Did this mean he was happy for her? Maybe he thought that she was joking? Of course that's what he thought, why else would he be laughing.

Lily's startled face quickly turned into one of anger, "I'm glad you think this is some joke! James and I are married and I love him more than I will ever love you! I don't care how good of friends we were. You're a Death Eater and I never want to see you again, Severus Snape!"

Severus stopped laughing instantly, "Lily, wait, no! I didn't mean to–."

"Save it," Lily stood up and with one last glare at the person that she once considered a friend, she left the coffee shop. She didn't look back.

**AN: two chapters in one night! And now I'm back on track! PS: this chapter has a parallel to it. it's the same story but through Snape's POV. it's called "Moment of Truth" you can find it in the Severus/Lily section, so check it out! Review!**


	11. With a Z

Ch.11

**AN: these chapters are becoming fast because I am ready to be done with this story, as fun as it is. Worse comes to worse, I'll just have Voldemort randomly come in a kill everyone (because really, that's all he wants). End of story, painless and quick.**

James stepped out of the fireplace of his house Godric's Hollow. He was running a few errands in Diagon Alley when he heard of a Death Eater attack in the town nearby. He quickly finished his errands and returned to the Leaky Cauldron. He and Lily had been in hiding for the past four and a half months. They jumped every time they heard of an attack.

Their paranoia had gotten to be so bad, Lily even suggested they go on the run, leave the country. James knew of a quaint place in Wales. Lately, he found himself thinking more and more about it. To be honest, the easiest thing for the two of them would be to move to Wales. they could hide as muggles. Voldemort would never think to look for them there.

The sight of Lily always made him smile. For a minute, James felt all his worries and fears dissolve like four sugar cubes in coffee. He preferred his coffee with four sugars. No cream though, that ruined the symbol. James liked making the things he drank symbols. For instance, with the coffee: he put four sugars in it to show that even thought the dark color hadn't changed, the taste was sweeter. It showed him that despite the darkness the war brought with it, he still had love and his family standing by his side. And that was enough to get through however many cups of black coffee he had to endure.

"Lily what are you eating?" James asked, having been distracted from his deep level of thinking to whatever the hell it was on his wife's plate. She was in the ranking for giving birth to the poster boy prophecy child. She took her competition seriously. Even though there was only one other person she was going up against. Nevertheless, Lily was in it to win it.

"I had the hugest craving for cornflakes, French toast, and Rocky Mountain Oysters. So, I put all three together on one magnificent, delicious, satisfying meal," Lily said, licking syrup and powdered sugar off of what James figured to be a poor bull's bollock. He cringed when she then took a giant bite out of said bollock.

"That is...some craving you got there."

"Did you get the pumpkin juice? I'm thirsty."

James reached into his bag and pulled out the liquid his wife sent him out for. He poured some in a glass and set it beside her. She picked it up, took a deep gulp of the juice and returned to her 'meal.'

"I left a plate for you," Lily said, she looked over her shoulder to see James' reaction to the plate that was charmed to look like what she was eating. He looked down at the plate and gagged.

"You know, Lils, I'm not hungry," James said, plastering an apologetic look on his face.

"Oh, that's too bad," Lily gave her wand a little wave, lifting the charm on the plate. "I had made you steak and kidney pie."

James gaped at the plate. He looked up at Lily. The disguise the plate as something else scheme. He should have seen it coming! He'd done that numerous times at Hogwarts. "I think I've met my match."

"Who would think that the great pranking James Potter would be trumped by his own wife?" Lily teased. James rolled his eyes and tucked into his dinner. After the silence became too much to bear, he decided to share his new idea for hiding from Voldemort.

"Lily, I've been thinking. When the baby is born, we can go to Wales and start a new life as a muggle family."

"A muggle family? What will we do for money? I can't exactly work as soon as I have a baby. Besides, there's not much you can do above minimum wage," Lily reasoned.

"I've thought of all of that my flower," James assured. "We will take some wizard money and transfer to muggle money. We will leave the country and settle in Wales for about four months or so."

"And what happens after four months?"

"We go on the road!" James exclaimed. He hoped that his wife was just as excited about his idea as he was.

"Travelling?"

"No, we'll be the first European rapping family! I've already thought of rap names for everyone."

"Rapping family?" James had been a bit tense lately and hadn't been sleeping lately. Lily figured that he had finally lost it.

"Great, right? We can spread a message of helping your neighbors and making friends while building vocabulary with the use of advanced words. Our rhymes could possibly change the world. Parents will bring their kids to our shows. We could change the rap/R&B world forever!"

"James, what about the baby?"

"He, or she, will go on tour with us. How great would that look if we had our whole family together, spreading the good word? When the kids are old enough, they can rap with us!" The more James said his idea out loud, the more he was convinced that it would work.

Lily looked at the man sympathetically. Sure, she's had her fair share of happy ending fantasies, but nothing compared to what James was suggesting. The extent of her fantasies was that Voldemort would spontaneously combust when the baby was born, or that she could throw a bucket of water on him and he'd melt.

"James, are you serious?"

"Completely," James continued. "You see, for our group name, we could be the Pott3rz, with a three because there's three of us. You can be Lilz, with a 'z,' I will be Jaymz–,"

"Let me guess, with a 'z'?"

"Yes! And jay, like a blue jay to show people that we are a family that listens to our hearts and do what their hearts tell them to do."

"Will our kids have names with 'z's as well?"

"Depends on the name," James beamed at Lily. What was Remus talking about, married couples not seeing eye to eye all the time? He and Lily were always on the same page and they have been married for eight months now.

Lily buried her head in her hands. He still wasn't getting it. Maybe if he had some sleep, he would start thinking clearly again. Lily was pretty sure she had a sleeping potion in the cabinet.

"Hey, James, why don't I make you a cup of tea. We can talk more about this 'rapping family' idea of yours.," Lily disappeared into the kitchen. She set the dishes to clean themselves and set about to making a pot of tea. She took a sleeping potion and poured it into the cup and covered the stuff with tea. To further hide the taste of the potion, she put two tablespoons of honey and a squirt of lemon.

"You won't believe the things you've been saying when you wake up tomorrow," she whispered to the cup. Maybe drugging your husband wasn't exactly the right thing to do, but James needed sleep and she will tell him what happened in the morning. He'll understand...unless he was really in his right ming with the whole rapping family thing. There was no way she was going around with a 'z' in her name.

James woke up, but kept his eyes closed. He wasn't quite sure, but he thought he could hear Lily sleeping beside him. Yes, it was Lily sleeping beside him, he could hear her breathing, slowly and peacefully. At least expecting a child took her mind off of the war. As for himself, it may have been the first night he had actually slept. It felt good, refreshing, like he could take on the world, one Z at a time. Wait, Z?

James frowned, wondering why he was thinking of the last letter of the alphabet. He remembered a dream he had during the night about him teaching his son the alphabet song in Spanish and figured he was just thinking of the dream he'd had. \

Taking a deep breath, James decided to stay in bed for a few more minutes. Just as well, Lily had put her head on his chest.

"Morning, Lils," James greeted.

"Morning," Lily replied from a distance. James' eyes flashed open and he looked up. He could see Lily's figure standing in the doorway. After placing his glasses on his face, he looked down at the weight on his chest and saw a big, black, shaggy dog.

"AHHHH!" James leapt from the bed. "Sirius! Don't do that!"

Sirius jumped from the bed and turned back into a human, doubled over laughing.

"Sorry, mate, couldn't resist," Sirius sputtered in between gasps for air. "Lily told me all about your idea to start a Welsh rapping family."

"Welsh what? Rapping what?" James looked over at Lily, who was snickering. "I'm going back to sleep. When I wake up, there will be no dogs greeting me with morning breath, and absolutely NO Welsh rapping family. I don't care how cool it sounds because that sounds pretty dang cool.

"Also, when I wake up, I would like breakfast. Two eggs, scrambled. Toast, wheat preferably, with butter and boysenberry jam. I would also like a side of bacon. Three strips, extra crispy," James removed his glasses and crawled back into bed. Even though he knew that he wouldn't be sleeping for long, he figured closing his eyes for a few minutes more couldn't hurt. He could further plan his revenge against Sirius.

"That sounds like a good breakfast," Lily said to Sirius as she pulled out pans to cook.

"It does, may I have some?"

"Scramble the eggs, but just for James and you."

"What about you?" Sirius inquired.

"There are still some Rocky Mountain oysters, waiting for me to eat," Lily said, her mouth watering at the thought of toast and bollocks.

**AN: for those of you who haven't gathered what Rocky Mountain Oysters are, they're the testicles of a bull. Please review!**


	12. One Night Stand that Never Happened

Ch. 12

**Warning: Sexy time for Sirius implied.**

James stealthily dashed down the hallway. He was dressed in all back and was enjoying what he felt was the lifestyle of a ninja. He even had the face mask and num chucks. What he was going to do with num chucks, he had no idea, but he would find something.

Unlike a ninja, James was carrying some extra baggage. There was a backpack with all his necessary supplies in his hand and his six month old son, Harry, strapped to his back. Although Harry wasn't exactly in the original plan, he was up and would most likely tell Lily on him if he didn't let the tike tag along. For a baby of only six months, James felt that his own son will be his match when it came to mischief.

James crept up the stairs to Sirius' room to fulfill his mission. He was finally going to get back at him for tricking him 11 months ago. He had been waiting for the perfect day, and not even his mischievous son could prevent him from succeeding.

He poked his head into his friend's room and dismounted his son. Even though the man was still asleep, Harry falls asleep watching other people sleep. It was impossible to prank your friend when your son kept saying 'moo' everywhere he went. James still wondered where Harry got that from. He suspected Lily since she would take him on her walks and she usually passed a man that had a cow on his front lawn.

James waited for Harry to drift off to sleep on his stuffed Hungarian Horntail that he took with him when they went to meet with the Order. He would play with it with Neville Longbottom and Ron Weasley James figured that the boy thought he was on his way over there.

Backing out back into the hallway, the man set to work on the scene. He unzipped the backpack and started littering the women's clothing that was inside all over the hall. Then, he found what Sirius was wearing the previous night (since it was his birthday), and threw that in the hall too.

While making sure his handiwork was convincing, he heard a vacuum turnon in Sirius' room. He dashed into the room and found Harry sitting on the bed (how did he get there?), trying to pull his toy out of the hose. When he had freed the trapped dragon, the hose fell on Sirius' neck. James flicked his wand at the vacuum and the device shut off.

"Who the hell keeps a vacuum in their bedroom!" James exclaimed in a whisper. He grabbed Harry and strapped the boy back onto his back. He wasn't sure which was more unbelievable: the fact that he turned his back on his son for one minute, and he managed to get himself into trouble, or the fact that after all that noise, Sirius was _still_ asleep.

"He is some heavy sleeper," James said to his back. He inspected his friend's neck and noticed the mark it left. A wicked smile spread across James' face. "Harry, son, I think you are a brilliant chip off the old block, you know that? I can't wait for the letters from school to start rolling in on the magnificent pranks you will undoubtedly pull."

James turned that vacuum back on and put the hose on Sirius' leg, arm, and stomach. It was a good thing the vacuum was so loud. James needed something to drown out his laughter. After the vacuum, James worked a little magic with a tube of lipstick and Sirius' lower back. He crept out of the house, unable to hide his anticipation for the hours to come.

*2 hours later*

"PRONGS!" Sirius cried, running out of the fireplace. James looked up from the quidditch scores page in the _Prophet_, Lily looked over from feeding Harry a spoonful of applesauce, and Harry stuck his head out in attempt to get the food on the hoovering spoon, into his mouth.

Sirius burst into the room. The look of fear and shock was all over his face, turning him into a nervous wreck.

"Sirius, what happened?" Lily asked, voice filled with concern.

"I don't know!" Sirius sobbed. Lily ushered him into a chair and fixed him a plate of : Captain Sausage on the USS Wheat Toast with delicious marmalade with and egg, tomato, and cheese omelet. James had insisted on making breakfast and Lily knew he was up to something, but was still figuring out what.

"Start from the beginning," Lily said, turning back to Harry, who had started crying because the spoon hadn't moved into his mouth.

"I woke up and I immediately felt like something wasn't right. I couldn't quite see what was wrong, so I just decided to go take a shower and it would come to me. Right as I headed to the door I noticed a shoe," Sirius paused and gulped down some of the toast boat and omelet.

"Not your shoe, I'm assuming," James tried to sound serious.

Sirius shook his head, "it was this six inch thigh high boot. And when I looked in the hall, I found clothes."

Lily gasped, "Sirius! Did you...?" She turned her head to the side and saw a mark on his neck.

"I think so. And not just anyone."

"Death Eater?" James suggested.

"No," Sirius looked at his plate in disgust. "I don't think it's something I should say with Harry present." The looks on James and Lily's face told him they could fill in the blank themselves. He stood up and walked around. Trying to regain composure, he put his hands behind his head, lifting his shirt a little. Lily squealed, grabbed Harry and left the room.

"What?" Sirius frantically encircled himself to see what the problem was. James took a mirror, put it to his friend's lower back and read the lipstick message aloud.

"_Thanx for last night_ _you insane beast_

_xoxo_

_Original G-String, AKA Crowd Pleeza_"

"Who the hell is 'Crowd Pleeza'!" Sirius almost started to sob again.

"You know," James said, frowning, "that doesn't sound as good out loud as it did in my head."

Sirius whipped around to stare at the messy haired man in the face. He couldn't for a sentence he was so mad.

"That–you–JAMES I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" He finally roared.

"Moo!" Harry cried from the other room.

**AN: I had a different ending in mind where Sirius would ask Harry for his help the following week where Lily will be at a cousin's bachelorette party, setting up a parallel to my story "Trouble Begins with and H" but this was too good to ruin. I would just like to thank Sean Spencer from Psych for creating the name "Original G-String AKA Crowd Pleeza" I don't own Psych or HP. One chapter left! Review.**


	13. A Happy Tragedy

Ch.13

**AN: the final chapter! Despite the bitter ending James and Lily have, hopefully this chapter is a happier side to said ending.**

"Lils, I really don't see the point of this," James said skeptically. He was in the kitchen, filling a decorated bowl with candy, but not normal candy. No licorice wands, chocolate frogs, or Bertie Bott's. Instead, there were Hershey bars, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Charleston Chews, and things called Fudge Rounds. James figured it was muggle candy. He also figured muggles have a weird candies. Who doesn't love an acid pop?

"It's for Harry," Lily called from the sitting room. "He's always cooped up in this house and can't ever go out."

"There's a reason for that."

"I know, but what child wants to be in a house all day? He's starting to act out."

"Don't need to remind me," James' face twisted, remembering the Oxy Clean incident he went through with the kid a few months ago. Sirius was still laughing about it.

Lily came in the kitchen with 15 month Harry in her arms. Harry was in a white onsie looking garment covered in black splotches with a cow's head hood/hat thing pulled over his head, and little hoof mittens. He was a cow for Halloween.

"And how exactly does this 'trick-or-treating' thing work?" James raised an eyebrow.

"Kids go door to door, saying 'trick- or-treat!' and then the owners of the house give them candy," Lily explained, tossing a Fudge Round into Harry's plastic jack-o-lantern bucket. The infant clapped happily.

"And all these kids are dressed as farm animals?"

"No, they can be whatever they want. Some are princesses, some are superheros, and some are vampires."

"Okay. Here's another question; what is this bowl of for if you and I are going to be taking Harry door to door, collecting candy for me?"

"What makes you say the candy is for you?" Lily frowned at her husband.

"Simply, how's Harry supposed to eat candy if he hasn't got any teeth?"

Lily frowned even more. She hated it when James had a point, like when he told her that Rocky Mountain Oysters were absolutely disgusting. Especially when they were covered in maple syrup and powdered sugar. Lily found them to be quite tasty, but after she had Harry, the tasty treat became a revolting form of torture.

"Well, it's not about the candy. It's about having fun."

"Lily, that's what junior league quidditch captains tell you until you get to school when all of a sudden it's about winning a trophy," James sauntered back into the sitting room and lazily put the bowl of candy by the door. It was still fairly light outside, but he couldn't help but notice a bunch of kids milling the streets.

Lily followed James into the sitting room. She knew he wasn't into the trick-or-treating idea, but she knew how to get him to tolerate it.

"I think Harry looks cute in his costume," she commented, showering the boy's face with kisses.

"He's a farm animal that later becomes someone's dinner!" James cried. Of all the costumes his son could be in, he had to be in a cow suit! Was it too much to ask for a handsome devil like his son to be put in something more manly? Like a dragon or a dinosaur. No. He had to be a cow. Although he pulled off the look and would definitely make any woman's heart melt, James felt he needed to be bold as well as adorable, like his father.

Lily ignored James' comment and continued to trick the man into leaving the house. "Harry, what sound does the cow make?"

"Lily, please–,"

"MOO!" Harry cried, squealing with delight. "Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo...mooooooooo!"

"Let's go before it gets too late," James grabbed his coat and opened the front door. Lily hoisted her son up and grabbed his little candy collecting bucket. She made sure to leave the bowl of candy for the other kids out by the front door before heading to the first house.

The family of three traveled to all the houses in Gordric's Hollow before Harry tired. James was about ready to hex people for constantly asking Harry what sound the cow makes and he replies with a series of 'moos' that continues long after they had walked away from the house.

"Next year, Harry will _not_ be an animal of any kind," James declared, hanging his and Lily's coat in the closet.

"Awww, I thought it was cute," Lily pulled the little hood off of Harry and took off his mittens. Because the onsie also doubled as pajamas, Lily put the boy down on the floor where he immediately stood up and began to toddle around.

"I think it's time for someone to go to bed," Lily cooed.

"Yes please," James said suggestively.

"James! Not in front of Harry."

"He's over there," James pointed over to the couch, where Harry took his candy bucket and dumped it's contents on the floor. Not caring about the sweets, he stuck the bucket on his head and giggled, which turned to laugher as he heard his voice magnified.

"See, can't even see," James pulled Lily to him and kissed her. As he pulled her closer to him, deepening the kiss, James felt something hit his lower back. He broke away from his wife and stared accusingly at his son.

Harry looked around innocently with the bucket still on his head, but his fist was filled with candy. James reckoned he was pelted with the toothbrush a muggle dentist put in his bucket.

"What's your problem?" James asked, scooping the boy up. Lily removed the bucket from his head and carried him toward the stairs to be put down.

"Hey, Lils!"

"What?"

"I love you," James called up the stairs.

Lily looked down at him, over the railing, "I love you too."

James smirked and crashed down on the couch. For a brief moment he felt at peace and that he and Lily will have the life and family without worrying about Voldemort. James also figured 9 was a good number of children. 4.5 will look like Lily and will be name Lily Jr. The other 3.5 (since there was already Harry) would look like him and would be rightly name James Jr. JJ if they were looking for their own identity.

As James relished in the happiness of his to be massive family, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. He was barely on his feet when the door burst off its hinges.

**AN: sad ending, but this was a tragedy to begin with. Hope you like it! I don't own JKR or HP, don't forget to review!**


	14. Bonus Chapter!

**AN:**** A bonus chapter for all who enjoy the antics James and Sirius get themselves into. I had no intention of adding this +1 chapter, but I'm sure you all are not objecting. I don't own anything related to HP. PS: This chapter is dedicated to dramionefisher, YOU SO ROCK!**

The kitchen in James' smelled of homemade bread and delicious tomato soup. He ran about the room trying his hardest to make a perfect meal. James Potter was a lot of things, a cook was not one of those things. The clock was getting ready to strike five; he had been in the kitchen for three hours already.

Since he started to make what he decided was the best dinner ever (James Potter only crafts excellence), he had managed to burn not one, but three roast beasts, he lit one of the kitchen towels on fire twice, and burned his hand on the oven door.

After rubbing burn cream on his hand, James decided for simplicity in his dinner. His results were tomato soup and muggle boxed brownies. But it wasn't enough. He need more than just a bowl of soup and re-hydrated brownie mix, baked in an 375 degree oven for 15 minutes. He needed something romantic, but cookable for the 18 year old teen.

It was while James was pondering what else he could do for his girlfriend for the romantic dinner he promised her that Sirius walked in.

Sirius whiffed the air and wrinkled his nose a little. The place smelled like tomatoes and anyone who knew anything about tomatoes knew the devil was behind the plump red vegetables.

"James! I will not have my best friend turn to the dark arts by eating those fiendish tomatoes!"

James' attention snapped over to his friend, "Padfoot, for the last time, tomatoes aren't the work of the devil. What's in your hand?"

"Fluffernutters. Remus used up the last of the marshmallow fluff we stole from the one girl whose name was also Lily," Sirius held out the dish filled with tiny graham cracker sandwiches. James took a few and munched on them happily.

"So, what is this you have going on, if it's not Voldemort's dirty work."

"I am making dinner for Lily," James said. "But all I can make is bread and tomato soup."

"You can't make pasta?"

"Of course I can make pasta, I just can't make sauce for the pasta!"

"What's wrong with the red kind? I had that for dinner," Sirius rubbed his stomach.

"You mean the kind with the tomatoes?"

Sirius froze, "that has tomatoes in it?"

"Yes. What did you think it had?"

"Beets?"

"Those are purple."

"Dangit! My family is getting to me one way or another!"

"TOMATOES ARE NOT EVIL!" James shouted. "Now, will you please help me? I need to make this dinner perfect for Lily."

"Why?" Sirius popped a fluffernutter into his mouth.

"Because tonight, I am going to make Lily mine, for-ever."

Sirius choked and sputtered, "alright Prongsie! You leave this to your good pal Sirius. I'll make sure this is one night to remember."

"Thanks Sirius," James breathed. "Now, my plan is to pick Lily up in ten minutes, take her to this nice, secluded, area in the park, you know the one, but I don't have the area in the park ready. Can you go over there and set everything up?"

"You leave it to me. You just go get Lily and everything will be ready when you get there."

James nodded while putting his soup in a thermos and putting the thermos in a basket with a couple of bowls, spoons, forks, napkins, a bottle of wine, and a some glasses. He wrapped the bread in a dishcloth and set that in the basket too. He quickly glanced at the clock and figured he had time to make a quick salad before getting ready and picking up Lily. She wouldn't mind if he was a little late.

Twenty minutes later, James was running down the stairs making sure his pockets had everything they were supposed to hold: wand, handkerchief, and ring box. He was already ten minutes late from picking up Lily and Sirius was poking around the kitchen.

"Don't forget the picnic basket!" James called on his way out the door. He heard Sirius shout something at him and figured it was reassurance. He apparated to Lily's flat, hoping she wasn't too mad at him.

As James raised his hand to knock on the door, it flew open. Lilt stood in an elegant skirt with a flowery blouse on. Naturally she was gorgeous which made James swallow hard to keep his mouth working.

"Sorry I'm late, I was making sure everything was perfect for tonight," he said.

"Why? It's just a simple date," Lily said. James could hear the bite in her tone.

"Because...because you're worth it!"

Lily smiled and gave James a hug. She was still mad at him. James took her hand and apparated her to a spot near his designated picnic spot. It was dark and the stars were shining bright, perfect scene.

"James, your shoe is untied," Lily pointed out, breaking James' plan run through.

"Oh, thank you. Why don't you go on ahead and I'll catch up," James stooped down to his shoe and saw out of the corner of his eye, Lily walking ahead. This turned out to be the biggest mistake he'd made in a very long time.

As soon as James stood up and started for the picnic spot, he ran into Lily.

"Where are you going?" James asked. She gave him a cold look and pushed him out of her way.

"You are an insufferable toerag, James Potter! Goodbye!" Lily disapparated with a pop, leaving James confused.

"Wha–" James wandered over to his picnic spot. There were some candles floating in the air, lit up, illuminating the blanket. The blanket was covered in rose petals, which seemed a bit odd for a picnic, but added a romantic touch. James was about to conclude there was nothing wrong with the scene when he noticed the picnic basket was missing.

"Sirius! You forgot the picnic basket!" James shouted at the sky. He banished the scene with one wave of his wand and furiously went home.

Walking into his house, James saw Sirius, Remus, and Peter sitting around the table, enjoying the soup and bread he made for Lily.

"Back so soon James?" Remus commented, "this soup is delicious by the way."

"Sirius, what the hell!" James roared.

Sirius looked at James incredulously, "what do you mean, 'what the hell'? I did what you asked me to do!"

"You forgot the picnic basket! And now you are eating it!"

"Oh, this was for you and Lily?" Peter asked spooning in the last drops of soup into his mouth. "There's still some left for you, James."

"What do yo mean I forgot the picnic basket? You weren't having a picnic!" Sirius defended.

"Yes, I was! What do you think the soup and bread and salad in the basket was for?" James cried. "Lily and I were going to have a lovely picnic, look at the stars, one of her favorite pass times, and then I was going to ask her to marry me!"

A look of shock and embarrassment slowly crept onto Sirius' face, "you were going to propose?"

"Yes, I told you that!"

"Oh."

"What did you think he meant?" Remus interjected.

"I though that you were going to...you know...yeah," Sirius rubbed the ack of his neck bashfully.

"No, I don't know what, please explain to me why I have gone back to being an 'insufferable toerag'."

"Well, I thought that you, the two of you were going to...well, you were going...you know, with the flowers and the candles and the wine."

James, despite receiving a clear answer from Sirius, was beginning to piece together what he was trying to say, "you mean you thought we were going to..."

"Yes!" Sirius cried.

"In the middle of a park!" James felt he was going to be sick.

"It sounded weird to me too, but I trusted that you had a plan and I went with it!" Sirius explained.

"In the middle of a park?"

"I put privacy charms up, if that helps any?"

James ran his hand through his messy hair. Now that his relationship with Lily was over, he might as well spend the rest of his days eating Rocky Road ice cream and watch telenovelas. He will live vicariously through the muscular, overdramatized men who fall in love and marry every girl in the town. It will be a good life until his character is killed off in a random car accident.

"Sorry James," Sirius said.

"It's fine, this gives me the opportunity to brush up on my Spanish. I'll change my name to Juan Carlos and try to make it in the telenovela industry," James trudged over to the couch and collapsed on it. He wasn't sure how, but he had managed to fall asleep.

While sleeping he had a dream about Lily. She was wearing far too much make-up and only spoke in Spanish. When James opened his mouth, all the words he was saying came out in Spanish too.

In the dream they were arguing, James couldn't figure out what since he didn't understand the language, but he could tell it was a fierce argument. Then, the French front doors of the house they were in burst open and Fabio on a white horse galloped into the sitting room where he and Lily were at. Lily was swept off her feet with Fabio's lucius locks of billowing hair and bare chest. He hoisted Lily onto his horse and two rode off into the sunset.

James woke with a start. He was about to fix the glasses on his face, but noticed they were on the nearby coffee table. He sat up and came face to face with Lily. She was sitting at the end of the couch James was laying on, reading a book. He recognized it as one he picked up for grins and giggles and then started to read because it was there and he was bored.

"Is this what you read in your free time?" Lily asked, looking over the top of the book. She disappeared behind it's pages.

"No, I just found it sitting on the shelf and started flipping through the pages," James blushed. The only thing worse than your girlfriend thinking you only wanted to get with them, is to have them discover that he was reading a book with Fabio on the cover. Even worse than that was the book title, "Rough and Tender."

"You know, my favorite is "Texas Touch"," Lily smiled. James had a subtle feeling his shot at being with Lily Evans wasn't shot.

"Did I ever tell you that I thought about changing my name to Juan Carlos?"

**AN: THE END! Make sure you leave a review! Ps: Texas Touch and Rough and Tender are actual Fabio books. PPS: does anyone know how to post a new story? i would be enormously grateful for the info!**


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